What do the words alpha male conjure up? Dominant apes beating their chests and swinging from trees showing off their brute strength and agility? Or the super earners who can keep their lovers in yachts and cashmere until the end of their days? But have you heard of the beta male? The soulful antidote to their bull-in-a-china-shop counterparts?

A Simple Classification

Persephone: When I think of the alpha and beta male, I think of what goes on in the animal kingdom. Alpha males are the leaders of the pack, the betas the followers. In the modern world, alpha males are the ones who command the most attention. Think bankers or jocks. They’re confident on the surface, outgoing, loud, and competitive but can also project arrogance and cockiness. Stereotypically, guys want to be him, and women want to sleep with him.

Ahalya: When I worked on Wall Street, I saw tons of alpha guys, plenty of boisterous bankers and traders. The few beta males socialized in their own little group. I don’t know if that’s because they were marginalized by the alpha men, or if they just weren’t interested in guy talk with the alphas. These were the guys I preferred by far! They were respectful and interested in what I had to say. They weren’t the attention magnets or life-of-the party types, but quietly confident and intelligent.

Persephone: I know, how tediously insecure are attention-seekers? Can we categorize beta males like we do alphas? I think of beta males dividing into two main categories: the stereotypical geeks and nerds and professionals who are successful but more pleasant and sensitive than the alpha men. Less cocky, and better listeners.

Competition and the alpha female

Ahalya: In my experience, beta males can be just as competitive as alphas—but not as overtly, and in a more intellectual way.

Persephone: Exactly. Not like how you compete in the animal kingdom, which is based on brute strength! Although you can also get obnoxious crap-at-sports betas. What about alpha/beta females in your circle?

Ahalya: There were a few alpha females. These were the more aggressive women, the ones who wanted to be one of the guys, swigged beer, swore, and acted hostile towards other women. The beta women on the other hand were much more friendly, softer, and more nurturing.

Persephone: I think most men desire the more feminine beta female rather than the aggressive alpha woman. Does anyone nowadays want to be with an alpha female?  I think because these women embody the reverse of stereotypical gender roles, society disapproves of them. Overtly ambitious women are frowned upon. Beta women veil their ambitions better.

Ideal pairings

Ahalya: I think that’s very true, yes. The reverse trend is also probably true with most women desiring an alpha male more than a beta male. Alpha females and beta males appear to be the least desired categories in the dating pool. I wonder if there are any high-profile examples of alpha+alpha pairings?

Persephone: We’ve seen alpha+alpha relationships in the political world (the Clintons, the Blairs). These seem more marriages of alliance though rather than marriages based exclusively on love or romantic connection.

Ahalya: Well, coming at it from the opposite angle, I know there are examples of beta+beta partnerships. I would classify both myself and my husband as beta personalities. I wonder if it’s the case for most women that they are more attracted to the alpha male on a purely physical level, but choose the beta males in the long-term because they are more supportive?

Persephone: The part of you that wants to be emotionally safe would choose to be with a beta male. But the base primitive sexual attraction, the part you can’t control, is turned on more by alphas. For many women the emotional/intellectual facets of attraction that favor beta males win out. So a lot of women may subjugate their base desire for the alpha, and choose the beta instead.

Ahalya: Which means that the beta male label shouldn’t be derogatory at all! Betas have some superior qualities. They’re much more respectful and nurturing. And not as cocky as alphas, which is a huge plus for me. Alpha guys can be pretty self-absorbed and obnoxious.

Persephone: I agree. The key to a successful relationship is complementary personalities. So for high-flying alpha career women, their best bet may be a beta male who can help them out—even though, ironically, these women may idealize finding an alpha male to augment their social and professional status. But for a relationship to work out, both partners have to take it in turns to take a back seat. Alpha+alpha pairings frequently derail.

Let’s talk looks

Ahalya: Personality aside, do you think there is a typical look for an alpha male? Think Jon Hamm or Brad Pitt. Or Mr Darcy. What about more feminine-looking men like Leonardo Di Caprio? Would he classify as a beta male because he doesn’t have the conventional masculine look?

Persephone: For me, the term alpha male definitely encompasses both appearance and personality. I think of the super-virile, greek god look as corresponding to the typical alpha guy. Beta men are usually more sweet and pretty-looking, like Leo. Women experience a different type of attraction to these kinds of guys, more of a nurturing, mothering instinct. You might want to jump the alpha but love the beta. There’s research that shows women preferring more feminine-looking faces in guys.

In conclusion…

Persephone: In reality, though, people are a mixture of both beta and alpha traits. It’s always difficult to put people into one box or another.

Ahalya: My ideal guy would look like an alpha and act like a beta.

Persephone: Mine would be a sweet and adorable alpha. Do these even exist? Would that effectively make him into a greek god-looking beta? I think this is why women love men who are good-looking but don’t know it. The looks of an alpha, but with the non-obnoxious behaviour of a beta. Win-win.

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By Ahalya and Persephone

Tags:  gender identity relationships